Words of wisdom from a momma in recovery as she parents a beautifully unique neurodivergent kiddo.
Growing up, I knew I felt different than other kids. As a millennial with baby-boomer parents, I was taught to sweep my big emotions under the rug in fear of being “too much.” I couldn’t focus, and I was filled with anxiety for most of my youth. As I grew older, I started coping with those stuffed emotions and anxiety with alcohol and anything I could that would make me feel “better.” My parents tried to help me the best they knew how, but they had no idea how to handle me.
Twenty-five years later, I am now a mom in long-term recovery from substance use disorder. When my daughter was in first grade, I started recognizing some familiar behaviors. She was me. I was her. She struggled with learning to read. She struggled to sit still in class and focus on her work. She had the same huge emotions. It was evident she needed more help, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it and help her in any way I could. I wouldn’t let her go down the same path I did.
In second grade, we were able to get her evaluated for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) and her school surrounded her with resources. Small groups, counseling, tutoring, preferential seating. We took her to several specialists. When we finally got the ADHD diagnosis, I was terrified to put her on medication. Eventually, I agreed to try. The first day she was on medication, her teacher told me, “It’s like a light clicked on in her brain.” With the IEP, counseling and medication, she was able to progress from a kindergarten reading level, to on par with the other second graders by the end of the year. It was a night and day difference.
My advice to any parent who sees their child struggling is this:
1. Love First
What I’ve learned is that with gentle loving persistence, there is progress. It may seem simple, but it makes a world of difference. Children love to mirror what they see in adults. I’ve found that when I approach all things with love, my daughter has been more willing to try new things, has more confidence, and will confide in me when she’s struggling. It’s not about being the perfect parent but showing up with love each day, the best I know how.
2. Embrace their uniqueness
Embrace their unique abilities. My daughter is now in seventh grade and in advanced courses, getting all A’s and B’s. She’s wild, artistic, and messy. She’s also empathetic, loving and hilarious. When I help her see her unique strengths, rather than fitting into a mold, she embraces them and has more confidence in her abilities.
3. Collaborate with others
That old saying that “It takes a village to raise a child” is true. You don’t have to do this alone. Do not be afraid to talk closely with your child’s teachers, pediatricians and anyone else that spends a significant amount of time with your child. The sooner I embraced that “village” the more progress was made.
4. Join a support group
Parenting a child with ADHD can feel frustrating and isolating at times. Do your research, find a local or online support group with others who have the same challenges and have been in your shoes. Connection is key. The comfort of meeting others that are on the same path is invaluable.
5. Be an advocate
We know our children better than anyone and we are their biggest advocates. No one will fight for your children as fiercely as a momma bear on a mission (or a dadda bear.) When you advocate for them, you’re not only fighting for them now, but teaching them how to advocate for themselves. Remember, children love to mirror adults. They’re watching us, and they will learn from how we handle difficulties.
In the journey of parenting a neurodivergent child, leading with love, embracing their uniqueness, collaborating with others and being their strongest advocates can help them thrive in this world. With patience, support, and a whole lot of love, you’ll watch them shine.
